Monday, October 18, 2010

One Heartbeat at a Time

One Facebook status from a coworker, a blog about a baby who spent time in the NICU, especially when combined with a rough day with my toddler, that's all it takes.  All it takes to wrench my perspective from where it should be, to make me believe the lies that Satan deceptively whispers in the back of my mind. You see, every now and then I let my mind wander from the Truth that I know, and I rely instead on the feelings and emotions of my heart. 

5 months ago now, I resigned from my dream job as a NICU nurse.  While I always hated leaving my family, I loved my job. I loved that every time I went to work I KNEW that what I was doing mattered.  I took pride in knowing that my attitude and how well I did my job could change the life and memories of a family with their precious fragile little ones that I had the privilege of caring for.  I loved telling people what I did, and how much I loved it. 

What about now?  Now I am home full-time with our boy, caring for our home and my family, my true dream job.  I love it, don't get me wrong.  I LOVE IT!  I was relieved to quit my job, knowing the stress it was putting on us, and it was not a difficult decision.  Still, sometimes at the end of the day when the house looks worse than it did in the morning, there's no dinner made when Danny gets home, and the laundry seems to have exponentially increased, I wonder...does this really matter?  When I used to leave work, I used to breathe a sigh of relief, refreshed knowing that I had done a great job for the 12.5 hours I was there.  Not in a prideful way, but I did everything I could to be the best nurse I could while I was there.  Now sometimes I wish I could go back, just to do something that matters.  Wow, that's even uglier than I thought when I type it out! 

The Lord is so kind to use different things to refresh my heart.  For me, it's usually a song, and it is no different in this case!  This song by Steven Curtis Chapman played the other day, and I have since bought it on iTunes and played it about 50 times today!  I wish I could imprint this song on the hearts of my sisters, my friends and all new mommas for sure!

One Heartbeat at a Time ~ Steven Curtis Chapman

You're up all night with a screaming baby
You run all day at the speed of life
And every day you feel a little bit less
Like the beautiful woman you are

So you fall into bed when you run out of hours
And you wonder if anything worth doing got done
Oh, maybe you just don't know
Or maybe you've forgotten

You, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh, you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time

With every "I know you can do it"
Every tear that you kiss away
So many little things that seem to go unnoticed
They're just like the drops of rain over time
They become a river

And you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh, you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
How you're changing the world
You're changing the world

You, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh, you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world
Oh, I believe that you
You are changing the world
One little heartbeat
At a time

This looks different for all of us, but it is true nonetheless.  I'm not up all night with a screaming baby right now, I have been before though!  Right now, if I'm up, it's with a very silent little baby inside who just doesn't seem to let me sleep.  My "running all day at the speed of life" usually means things like playing silly toddler games all day and still trying to accomplish something, even though he demands I sit by him most of the time.  (And yes, I know, I don't have to, and much of the time I don't).  ;)  I very rarely feel like a beautiful woman, with my growing belly and usually snot covered shoulders. 

But still, right now, there are two little heartbeats and one big man's heartbeat that I'm caring for.  My energy is used up between the three of them :)  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love knowing that today when he got his shoes one (for the 3rd time), I was the one who tied them and got in a tickle fight in the process.  When he just needed to rock for a minute before his nap, it was just another minute with his momma that his little heart felt he needed, and I was here to give it to him.  THAT matters.  To him, to me, and to my Jesus.  I'm grateful that my Lord cares enough to show me in ways like this that what I'm doing matters.  May He show you the same thing as you go about your days!

21 comments:

Bonnie said...

WOW! What a great reminder...and a very timely one for me. Thank you for sharing such powerful words.

Melissa said...

Great thoughts, Kjirstin. Thanks for sharing.

Mandie said...

Great post. When I first left my job - which I really, really liked - I longed for those productive days when I was doing something "important"; I felt like much of my time at home was wasted. And at the end of most days I still feel like I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to. But God is changing my perspective, and I am very grateful that I have the opportunity to stay home with my baby.

Libby said...

and you made me cry again. =)

Leah Childs said...

Kjirstin- I know it was a GOD thing that I happened to read this post from back in October for the first time today. I NEEDED to have that reminder that you had back in October. Trying to figure out how we are going to buy the house now that I am a stay-at-home mommy is going to be tricky and I was doubting that I had made the right decision quitting my job. BUT, I know what I'm doing is the right thing even if it seems that I don't get much accomplished each day. Thanks for the reminder :)

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