Thanks for visiting!

Thanks for visiting!
Grateful to be known and loved by the God who knows all my good and bad, I spend my days with my 3 littles and the man of my dreams. I've worked for 8 years in my dream job as a NICU nurse. Welcome to our little place for family memories, ramblings of this mommy's brain, and reminders of HIS grace in so many ways.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

2 years already?!

**Sidenote...this was supposed to be completed last week, on the 10th, when my boy turned two.  But, life caught up with me.  I'm determined to make it happen though!

Two?  Already?  No way!  You can't be two yet.  But the little shirt I put on you this morning says you are, and you look so handsome in it.  You've grown up on me so much these last few months little boy.  Maybe it's knowing that our time together with just you is shorter with each passing day now.  Maybe it's looking through the tiny things you used and wore, realizing just how much bigger you've gotten since you sat in that bouncer, and I washed you for the first time in that little bathtub, and dried you with that towel for the first time. 

I can't count the number of times I've been told to "cherish every second, they go too fast, he'll be big before you know it".  The crazy thing?  I HAVE.  Almost every day, at some point, I think about the fact that you might never make that funny face again, or maybe next time you say movie it won't just sound like "eee-ee".  I've tried to cherish everything, maybe not encouraging you to get big as much as I should, because sometimes I don't really want you to get big yet.  Even with this knowledge, you grow too fast.  It seems like just yesterday that I was examining your tiny hands and feet, studying your sweet tiny face, soaking in every inch of that tiny baby that was finally here.  Now I watch you as you run and jump, slowly learn to talk, learn all your animal noises and all the other funny things you do, and I don't really want to blink because I know that then all these things you're doing now will be just as distant as all your newborn moments are to me now.  But as much as I want to keep you little, I want you to grow more.  I want to teach you and guide you, and watch you grow into the boy and then the man that God wants you to be.  But for now, I'll just let you be little, and be happy to do so.

I love the time we've had together my little man.  I love that I've gotten to soak in so much of your babyhood while it's just us.  It won't be this way for long, but I love it.  And I love you, my big two year old. 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Yummy yummy pot roast!

I did it!  I finally made a pot roast that wasn't dry and chewy with mushy veggies.  Several people on facebook asked what I had done, so I decided to just put it here.
  • Chuck roast (mine was about 4-5 pounds) ~ From what I have read, it is important to use the right cut of meat, and the chuck roast has definitely been the best I've tried.  It is a more fatty cut, and requires a little more picking through when you're eating it, but has the most tender meat.
  • Carrots
  • Olive oil
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • Onion soup mix
  • Flour
  • Baked potatoes
   Salt and pepper the meat while heating a few tablespoons of olive oil in a skillet or pot.  (I prefer a high sided pot, the sides provide a little more protection against spattering oil).
   Sear meat on all sides until brown. 
   Peel and cut carrots into large chunks, add to bottom of crock pot.  If they're cut too small, they won't be able to stand up to the long cooking time.  I did mine in half and the top portion in quarters.
   Place roast in crock pot on top of carrots. 
   Mix one envelope onion soup mix into 3 cups of water, pour on top of roast.
   Cook on low for 12-16 hours.  I put mine in on Saturday night around 9, and we ate it around 1:30 on it was in there for 16 hours.  I really think this time difference is what resulted in such tender meat.
   Right at the end, I removed a cup or so of the broth, and whisked in a few tablespoons of flour to thicken up the sauce a bit.  
    Bake potatoes at 350 for 3 hours, mash with some butter, serve roast and veggies on top!

Next time, I may try doing fresh onions, with some beef broth and fresher spices instead of the envelope, but this was nice and quick, and I already had the ingredients. 

Although it's a bit strange to wake up in the middle of the night smelling pot roast, it's worth it to me to have such yummy meat, instead of the tough chewy stuff that usually gets stuck in my teeth! 

This will definitely be a regular around here this winter.  Enjoy!!  Let me know if you try it or if you have a similar recipe what you do!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Baby Girl!!


Well, we've got big news around here!  We found out on Monday that we are having a baby girl!!!  We are very thrilled and feel incredibly blessed.  She looks wonderfully healthy, and seems to be growing just fine.  She wasn't the most cooperative, and I spent about half of the ultrasound tipped upside down so they could get the measurements they needed, but I was happy to do it!  She's already got her legs crossed, just like her big brother did  :)  Here are a few pictures of our sweetie!

She's waving at us in this shot, and giving us a thumbs up in the next one! 
We're very excited, and can't wait to have pink things around this house  :)

Monday, October 18, 2010

One Heartbeat at a Time

One Facebook status from a coworker, a blog about a baby who spent time in the NICU, especially when combined with a rough day with my toddler, that's all it takes.  All it takes to wrench my perspective from where it should be, to make me believe the lies that Satan deceptively whispers in the back of my mind. You see, every now and then I let my mind wander from the Truth that I know, and I rely instead on the feelings and emotions of my heart. 

5 months ago now, I resigned from my dream job as a NICU nurse.  While I always hated leaving my family, I loved my job. I loved that every time I went to work I KNEW that what I was doing mattered.  I took pride in knowing that my attitude and how well I did my job could change the life and memories of a family with their precious fragile little ones that I had the privilege of caring for.  I loved telling people what I did, and how much I loved it. 

What about now?  Now I am home full-time with our boy, caring for our home and my family, my true dream job.  I love it, don't get me wrong.  I LOVE IT!  I was relieved to quit my job, knowing the stress it was putting on us, and it was not a difficult decision.  Still, sometimes at the end of the day when the house looks worse than it did in the morning, there's no dinner made when Danny gets home, and the laundry seems to have exponentially increased, I wonder...does this really matter?  When I used to leave work, I used to breathe a sigh of relief, refreshed knowing that I had done a great job for the 12.5 hours I was there.  Not in a prideful way, but I did everything I could to be the best nurse I could while I was there.  Now sometimes I wish I could go back, just to do something that matters.  Wow, that's even uglier than I thought when I type it out! 

The Lord is so kind to use different things to refresh my heart.  For me, it's usually a song, and it is no different in this case!  This song by Steven Curtis Chapman played the other day, and I have since bought it on iTunes and played it about 50 times today!  I wish I could imprint this song on the hearts of my sisters, my friends and all new mommas for sure!

One Heartbeat at a Time ~ Steven Curtis Chapman

You're up all night with a screaming baby
You run all day at the speed of life
And every day you feel a little bit less
Like the beautiful woman you are

So you fall into bed when you run out of hours
And you wonder if anything worth doing got done
Oh, maybe you just don't know
Or maybe you've forgotten

You, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh, you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time

With every "I know you can do it"
Every tear that you kiss away
So many little things that seem to go unnoticed
They're just like the drops of rain over time
They become a river

And you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh, you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
How you're changing the world
You're changing the world

You, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh, you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world
Oh, I believe that you
You are changing the world
One little heartbeat
At a time

This looks different for all of us, but it is true nonetheless.  I'm not up all night with a screaming baby right now, I have been before though!  Right now, if I'm up, it's with a very silent little baby inside who just doesn't seem to let me sleep.  My "running all day at the speed of life" usually means things like playing silly toddler games all day and still trying to accomplish something, even though he demands I sit by him most of the time.  (And yes, I know, I don't have to, and much of the time I don't).  ;)  I very rarely feel like a beautiful woman, with my growing belly and usually snot covered shoulders. 

But still, right now, there are two little heartbeats and one big man's heartbeat that I'm caring for.  My energy is used up between the three of them :)  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love knowing that today when he got his shoes one (for the 3rd time), I was the one who tied them and got in a tickle fight in the process.  When he just needed to rock for a minute before his nap, it was just another minute with his momma that his little heart felt he needed, and I was here to give it to him.  THAT matters.  To him, to me, and to my Jesus.  I'm grateful that my Lord cares enough to show me in ways like this that what I'm doing matters.  May He show you the same thing as you go about your days!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Chocolate class

Last weekend my hubby took me on a fabulous date!  We went to a cooking class based around chocolate, can't be bad right?!  He picked chocolate because he knows that this pregnant girl doesn't do well with all kinds of food, little of which is predictable from day to day.  :)

It was such a fun experience!  It kinda seemed silly to go out for a date night and cook our own dinner, but we both really do enjoy cooking.  Especially if I could have an assistant like our instructor who got all the ingredients out for us and cleaned up too!  Then I could definitely cook some fancy meals.  Sadly, I forgot to take the camera, but we never would've been able to take pictures anyway, we had food everywhere!  There were four couples there and one instructor, and we each made a different dish for the meal. 

We did find out that it was a dinner and dessert night, and made chicken mole on top of green chili bomba rice.  I'm not going to lie, this was one of the strangest recipes I've ever seen!  Anything that includes chicken, 3 types of chilis, raisins, peanut butter, chocolate and tomatoes just seems like it shouldn't go together!  While I don't think I'd make it again, I was amazed how it turned out.  I was trying to figure out how I would taste it without hurling, and I was able to eat almost all of it, without even gagging once.

There were two recipes that I absolutely LOVED and will definitely be making again.  The first was a strawberry salad with a chocolate balsamic dressing.  Sounds strange, tastes scrumptious!  This picture is from another website but gives you the idea of what it looks like.  (Sorry for the weird formatting with the following recipes, I've fooled with it for a while and need to get something else done other than this blog during naptime!!)

Strawberry Salad with Chocolate Balsamic Dressing
spinach or arugula leaves
, or mixed baby greens
cucumber sliced

feta cheese
walnut or pecan halves (We didn't use these, but I think it would've added a lot to the salad, maybe some lightly candied pecans?)
1/3 cup balsamic vinegar
1/3 cup sugar

1/4 cup (25g or two squares) dark chocolate, 75% pure

Divide the greens between the plates.  Slice the cucumber length-ways, seed,
and slice it into half-moons.  Arrange the cucumber, sliced strawberries, and feta
cheese over the greens.  Drizzle dressing on top.

To make the dressing:  place balsamic vinegar in a small saucepan, add the
sugar, and dissolve it over a gentle heat.  Remove pan from heat and stir in
chocolate.  Leave to cool at room temperature.  Do not refrigerate or dressing will

All I can say is Yum Yum Yum!  Danny even liked it, which is saying a lot for a salad.  

 The second recipe I really enjoyed was the dessert chocolate ravioli.  It was a very quick and simple, but fancy looking dessert. 

Chocolate Ravioli with Raspberry Sauce
16 wonton wrappers
1 egg, beaten to blend
1 cup chocolate-hazelnut spread (recommended: Nutella)
Vegetable oil, for frying
Nonstick vegetable oil spray
Granulated sugar, for dredging
Powdered sugar, for dusting
Raspberry Sauce, recipe follows

Line a baking sheet with plastic wrap. Place 1 wonton wrapper on the work
surface. Brush the edges of the wrapper lightly with egg. Spoon 1 tablespoon
of chocolate-hazelnut spread into the center of the wrapper. Fold the wrapper
diagonally in half over the filling and press the edges of the wrapper to seal.
Place the ravioli on the prepared baking sheet. Repeat with the remaining
wonton wrappers, egg, and chocolate-hazelnut spread.

Preheat the oven to 200 degrees F. Add enough oil to a heavy large frying pan to
reach a depth of 2 inches. Heat the oil over medium heat to 350 degrees F.

Working in batches, carefully add the ravioli to the hot oil and cook until they
are golden brown, about 45 seconds per side. Using a slotted spoon, transfer
the ravioli to a plate lined with paper towels to drain. Then, transfer the cooked
ravioli to another baking sheet and keep them warm in the oven while frying the
remaining ravioli. (The fried ravioli can be prepared 1 day ahead. Cool them
completely, then cover and refrigerate. Before serving, place them on a baking
sheet and rewarm in a preheated 375 degrees F oven just until they are heated
through, about 7 minutes.)

Arrange 2 fried ravioli on each plate. Put small amount of raspberry sauce on the
plate. Dust the ravioli with powdered sugar.

Raspberry Sauce
(18-oz) package frozen raspberries in syrup
¾ cup sugar
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice, or to taste 

Combine sugar, berries, lemon juice and 1/2 cup water in a saucepan; bring to
a boil over medium-high heat. Reduce heat to medium low; cook until sugar is
dissolved, about 8 minutes. Use a pastry brush dipped in water to brush down
any sugar crystals on the side of the pan. Remove from heat; cool completely.
Place mixture in the jar of a blender; puree until smooth. Pass through a fine-
mesh colander, and discard solids.
Again, these were so yummy!!  She already had the raspberry sauce made up, so we didn't make that, but it doesn't look too difficult.  

I am looking forward to incorporating these into some meals in the near future!

Friday, October 8, 2010

6 years!!

   6 years ago (tomorrow), you were the guy who made my day when you nervously leaned over at lunch and asked what I was doing afterwards, if maybe we could take a walk?  As if there was anything that would've stopped that!  I couldn't really give you a true answer, since that would've been something like "finding out what you're doing so I can figure out how to follow you there!" So we took our walk, and three hours later walked back around the lake to the rest of our friends as the new "CRU couple". 

   We took this picture not long after that!  Wow babe, did we look young!!  I was a lot skinnier, you had a little more hair.  ;) But you know what?  We have so much more!  Yeah, I'm a little (okay, a lot) chubbier, but you know what?  We are so blessed to have one beautiful little boy and another one we get to meet soon!  You might have a little less hair, but it's probably because that same little boy has pulled an awful lot of it out.  ;) 

   Most of the time, it's really hard for me to believe that it's only been 6 years!  You are such an important part of my life that it seems like it can't possibly only be 6 years, it must be a lifetime.  Seeing where these past 6 years have brought us, I can't wait to see where the rest of our lives will take us.  Even the last year has certainly not been what either of us would've expected! 

   I love you babe, I love our life together, I love our kids, and I am so grateful to our wonderful Jesus who has brought us to where we are, and will continue to lead us on.  Thank you for following after Him as you lead our family, and encouraging me to follow hard after Him as well.  I love you.


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Where I am

With my hands gripped in my hair and tears streaming down my face, I wonder..."does anyone else ever feel like this?"  Do other first time moms who thought they knew what they were doing feel these same things, wonder these same thoughts?  Does everyone feel like a total failure multiple times a week?

You see, by 10:30 in the morning, about 20 reprimands and subsequent temper tantrums under my belt, I have yet to change out of my pajamas or eat breakfast, let alone spend any time in the Word, and I can't wait until naptime.  Several questions run through my mind.  I wonder where I've gone wrong.  Do I discipline too little, too much?  Am I demanding too much of him, and that's why we butt heads so much?  Or am I not disciplining enough and he's learning that he doesn't have to respect or obey me?

True confessions: Some days, I feel like Logan and I are just passing the time until Danny gets home from work.  Sometimes, I get frustrated when he wakes up after only an hour or two long nap, instead of the usual 2.5 or 3.  On these days, I hate the way I feel.  I wonder what happened to the woman who couldn't wait to be a SAHM, couldn't wait to blow bubbles and draw with chalk all morning, and get to be outside instead of inside a hospital, or inside sleeping to go to work that night.  I never (and I mean NEVER!) thought I would have a single day where I felt like this.

Luckily, those aren't all my days.  In the past several months, unfortunately, it has felt like those occur more often than not, and I'm hoping that the balance swings back a little bit.  I'm hoping that now that we're slowly settling (not settled!) into a new routine, one that involves a lot more family time, a quieter life, and a fun backyard, that I'll see the smiling face of my boy more often than the scowling and squealing that have become so familiar these past few months.  I'd like my happy, easy baby boy back.

One thing I know is that his perception of my mood, of my stability, and my joy and grace for our day has a HUGE effect on it.  The days where I'm up before him, one cup of coffee and a quiet time deep before his eyes open for the day, these are the days we enjoy.  On those days, we wander around the backyard hand in hand, picking berries, hunting for cows (next-door neighbors), eat a picnic lunch on the porch and enjoy ourselves.  Yet somehow, it seems so much easier to close my eyes for just 10 more minutes, and 10 more, and 10 more...but truly, it is not easier at all.

Plus, whoever said that my life was about ease, or sleep, or my comfort anyways?  Maybe one of these days I'll figure that out.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Some big changes around here!

WHEW!!  It has been a whirlwind of a month in this Cole house. 

6 weeks ago, after a very quick application and interview process, Danny was offered a job in Frederick, which he quickly took and started 2 weeks later!  He just finished his 4th week of an hour plus commute each way every day, which has definitely not been an easy transition, for any of the 3 of us.  Logan has probably had the hardest time with it, as our dinner time and overall time with Danny has drastically reduced.  But...not for long!  Once we are relocated and settled out in Frederick, Danny will be about 15 minutes from work, and will probably leave around 7:15 in the morning, to return to us by about 4:15!  We are VERY excited about that idea, to say the least.  :)

We put an offer on a house yesterday, and we're hoping to hear back sometime tomorrow about it.  I'm praying for peace about the whole thing, and still feeling some nervousness about it!  To say that I absolutely LOVE this house is not quite strong enough terminology.  It's a very cute farmhouse on a 1.2 acre lot, with a huge flat green backyard, cows next door, nobody across the street, with lots of pretty flowers and tons of room for my little man to run!!  Oh, and did I mention that it has a driveway?  I know, I know, most single family homes do.  It's just one of the things that I don't think we'll ever take for granted again.  It would definitely be quite the change from our city rowhome, but it's one we are very ready to make! 

This weekend we have 8 showings lined up for rentals for our current home, after a little over 24 hours on craigslist.  Would you pray with me that we find a renter quickly and don't have weeks on end of showings?  And would you pray that if this house is meant to be, it would go through quickly and painlessly, and that if it doesn't work out that I would be able to trust in God's plan, not be frustrated or too heartbroken? 

So, around here, we'll keep cleaning, packing, repacking what Logan unpacks, and re-cleaning what Logan messes up  :)  That is pretty much what my days look like right about now.  This transition is tiring, for sure, but it's good.  It has so clearly been from the hand of God, and has so many of the things we've longed for, we can almost taste it!  Now we just have to get there  :)  Any tips for assisting toddlers with transitions, new seasons, not seeing their daddy's as much as they are used to?

It's a wild ride, but oh so fun!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Cousin week!

Last week I got the joy of spending a week with my mom, sister, sister-in-law, and the 4 kiddos that come along with all of us.  It was a blast!!  Warning ~ There are lots of pictures ahead, and I'm sure a whole lot of sentence fragments. 

The wonderful joys that I experienced this week:

The sweet smiles of my little boy, although they were few and far between!  Between 2 days of childcare with strangers, 7 days away from Daddy, lots of car time, and teeth coming through, Logan was not our usual always happy boy!  But these smiles always bring joy to my heart :)

Getting to be there for my nephew's 8th birthday!! 

Getting to spend lots of time with this happy baby boy  :)  This was the most time I've gotten to spend with my sister-in-law and my nephew Braden, and it was fabulous!  It was fun to hear his squeals and coos, a phase I definitely miss!

Playing "HORSE" with Jacob, and losing, pitifully.  :) 
Watching my little man prove that he IS strong enough to climb up the slide, much to his Mommy's dismay!

This little boy sure does love to be outside.

Watching Mattie read to Logan, and remembering when she was his size.  Which means in no time at all he'll be as big as she is now!  Crazy.

3 cousins out for a walk  :)  These pictures and walks don't happen nearly often enough, and I treasure them when we get them!
Watching the frog on this little hiney wiggle back and forth as Logan tried to run to catch up to the bigger cousins.  So stinkin' cute.

Sitting by the lake, laughing as we watched Mattie get nice and wet, then lay in the dirt and do "sand angels" on her belly.  Her mommy so accurately describes her as a little girl who wants to wear princess dresses and dig for worms!

Getting to be a part of Braden's first outside water experience.

Finding out that even after a few months of no water, my boy is still a little fish, and loves being in the water.  Doesn't love landing face first in it quite so much, but as long as he's rescued he doesn't care too much!

This last picture was definitely an entertaining moment, although not one of the most joyful at the time! 

As I mentioned earlier, Logan was not on his best behavior this week, and this picture was taken during his lowest moment I think!  He was insisting on being on my lap, regardless of the fact that I was getting my hair cut.  You can tell from the fairly crabby look on his face just how happy he was about life right then.  This was soon followed by a forced exit from my lap so Lissa could cut my bangs, which kicked off a solid five minutes of screaming bloody murder while both my Mom and Cherilyn (my SIL) tried to do everything they could think of to entertain him!

Another side note from this that wonderful lady behind me cutting my hair is my sister Melissa.  In my entire life, I've had my hair cut in a salon 6 whole times.  6!  That's because my sister is absolutely wonderful and cuts my hair every time I see her.  Sometimes it's just a quick trim, other times it's more involved because it's been months since I've seen her, and sometimes it's three days in a row of changing this or that to make it just right.  She's awesome.  I don't trust anyone else with my head!!  She does such a great job, and is always so willing to take time out of her vacation days to serve me like this!

It was a great week  :)  I loved watching Logan play with Braden, trying so hard to share, even to the point of giving him a toy, just for it to be too much, and to take it back.  I loved watching Mattie read to him, and Jacob play with him on the swings.  I loved watching him run after them and do things just like Jacob, because you know, the bigger boy always does things cooler. 

I loved having hours to sit and chat with my mom, my sister and my sister in law.  I loved getting to be a part of my sister's special needs festival at her church, and chatting about different phases of parenting and life.  I just loved it, every moment of it.  Well, actually, not quite.  I didn't love the multiple nights of little sleep thanks to a little toddler in bed with me, although it was more snuggles than I'd normally get!  But I didn't always love those moments.  But it was a fabulous week.  Fabulous, I say. 

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Feeding the baby's a funny email I got this morning, and thought you all might enjoy!  It made me laugh...a lot.  

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he
turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when
he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food.
Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to
hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I
feed Lily for lunch?"

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Peanut butter ice cream and a novel...that's all I want!

All I wanted was to close the curtains, turn off the music and phone, curl up on the couch with a container of Peanut Butter cup ice cream, and a sappy novel. I wanted to immerse myself in a story other than my own. I wanted out of my world, because I just didn't like it! I didn't much care that there were dishes spreading at least half the length of my countertop, or laundry covering most of my bedroom floor.

Wow. Typed out, that looks even uglier than it sounded in my head.

So, that's what I wanted. But, because I've given up sweets and fiction reading for Lent, this particular escape route wasn't an option, although it was certainly tempting! For a little while, I just sat on the couch and cried, staring at my four walls and wanting to be out while at the same time, knowing I couldn't muster up the energy it would take to actually leave the house and go do something.

Why the sadness and tears? Because two weeks ago, we found out that it was very likely that I was having a miscarriage. Why only very likely instead of certain, you ask? Because we didn't know I was pregnant. For a little bit of privacy and for the sake of any male readers, I'll spare you all the specific details that led us to this conclusion!!

The first day was after a night shift, so I wandered around in my typical tired fog, plus a little more than normal as I wondered what was happening. The second day I just kept feeling like the hardest thing was that I just don't know what happened. I felt stupid and silly grieving over something that could have simply been an irregular cycle! At the wisdom of my lovely sister, I prayed that the Lord would just make it clear to me whether or not it was anything, hoping that, as she suggested, perhaps I would just remember that we were apart or sleeping in somebody else's house or something when anything could have happened! Well, I feel, without a doubt, that our kind Lord made it clear to me. Not in the way I would have wished, but clear nonetheless, which is what I asked for. That afternoon, the Lord brought to mind several things from the last two weeks that made it entirely possible. Symptoms that I had when I was pregnant with Logan and at no other time in my life, but tiny things that I might not otherwise notice. Like my husband mentioning as we lied down one night that I was just almost hot to the touch, and did I feel sick? (Exactly what happened with Logan) I didn't really think anything of it then, and didn't even remember it until that day.

By that evening, I felt a whole lot of different things! A large part of me felt increasingly sad and feeling like we missed out. Sad for the little life that was already gone, before we knew it was even there. Sad to not have the opportunity to tell Danny about a baby on the way, or tell family, or see a sonogram and hear a heartbeat. But while that feeling was there and very strong for several days, I felt something else growing increasingly strong. I felt peace.

Now you may think I'm crazy. That's okay with me. Maybe I am. Maybe I made up all of these things in my head. But I'm choosing to believe that my Jesus was kind enough to answer me, to bring clarity to my thoughts and memories so that I could feel certainty about what was going on in my body. I felt like I should feel angry, or bitter, or discontent. But peace, really?! You see, in my dark days, my Lord and Savior was kind enough to meet me there, and that gives me peace! Psalm 34:18 says that "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." I feel peace that this little one will never take a breath, that we'll never know if it was a boy or a girl. Because I feel strongly settled that this was our Lord's will. Because we were not trying to get pregnant, and not in the "we're not trying, but not preventing" way either. It doesn't make sense that I got pregnant. But I did. It doesn't make sense that I was so aware of everything going on in my body, but I was. It doesn't make sense to feel peace, but I do! Psalm 139:13-16 was also comforting to me as I considered this whole process, and thought about verse 15 in particular. "My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth." I know this baby was known by our God, even if he or she was never known by us.

Now don't get me wrong. This doesn't mean that I'm not confused. This doesn't mean that I'm not sad and grieving! I've cried more tears in the last 2 weeks than I have in a very long time!! I wonder why, if our Lord was going to let me lose this baby, why He chose to let it happen in the first place? But I'm glad to know that if this was going to happen, it was at the hand of our all-knowing, ever-loving Father, and not just a random event. I also don't think that it is a coincidence that this happened at a time when my two most comforting "escapes" were gone (the ice cream and novels!), my husband and I barely got to see each other, and I just felt kind of alone! (Not that I even was! I had many friends and family members around me throughout all of this - and I'm so grateful for all of them, every kind word!) But this meant that instead of just running away, I ran to Him. I ran to the only one who can truly provide any kind of comfort and peace, and He did.

And I'm so glad He did.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Why I do what I do, and I love it.

It's so hard to describe my job to someone who has never experienced a NICU before. The concept of a 1 pound baby just doesn't come out right in words. I saw this video earlier this week, and it made me fall in love with my job, all over again.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Did we move to Michigan or something?!

I've wondered a few times over the past few days if somehow we were transported to somewhere like Michigan without our knowing it?!

From Friday afternoon until Saturday night, Baltimore city got dumped on with 26'' of snow complete with blizzard like winds, drifting and some nice sleet in the beginning to create a beautifully iced base for the snow to stick to. As you can see from our patio, there was just a little bit of snow, and this was Saturday morning before another 6 hours of snow!

Saturday morning we woke to a beautiful snowfall and just had to go out for a walk!! Having grown up for 4 years in Alaska, the 2-4 inches we see on average per year just isn't quite enough for me. I felt like a kid again as excited as I was to go out in it. Come to find out, playing in the snow as the mommy of a one year old isn't quite the same as when I was little and out all day sledding and building snowmen! But still, we had a blast.

We went for a walk in the morning and it honestly felt like we were in some kind of ghost town winter wonderland of sorts!! I love the way that snow transforms the city. There were only a few cars out and all the normal city noises had disappeared. All the sound was muffled, and it was just beautiful! Logan thought he owned the street, as you can see here :)

Some spots were just a little too deep for little man to walk through, he wasn't quite sure what to do with that.

After some good outside time, we came inside while Danny spent a few hours shoveling our street so we could walk more easily, and Logan found a nice cozy spot in our front window to watch the comings and goings in the neighborhood. He spent almost an hour sitting here, and every time I asked him if he wanted down I got a very adamant headshaking No!!

After a nap and some lunch we were back out for round two!! By then, the city had livened up again, but it was a city full of mostly friendly people, which was kind of nice for a change ;) We took Logan up to the pagoda in the park to do some sledding, which he absolutely LOVED!!

We found a much easier way to transport him in the snow, although the pink sled made everyone think he was a girl. It's actually my sled from when I was 5 or so. (That's our neighbor pulling him)

Here's a video of his first sledding experience.

And one last video of his first snowball fight, which he thought was pretty funny.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Lots of firsts

We've had lots of firsts around here this month!

First yummy taste of birthday cake at his very first birthday party.

First haircut by his wonderful Aunt Lissa.

First nights without Mommy or Daddy.

First movie in a movie theater. (I don't have a picture of this one - but it was an adventure!)

First steps! (See the video in my last post)

Can someone tell me where my snuggly baby went and where this big independent boy came from? Every once in a while I still get a peek at that baby boy, when he just can't stand to not be in my arms while I cook dinner, or when he snuggles into my lap to watch a movie, or after we read books before naps.

Sometimes I miss him, the tiny helpless him.

But I can't imagine life without laughing at our big happy boy that is growing more and more into his personality every day.

I am so blessed to be his momma. I almost don't remember what it was like to not have him. I love him.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Big man walking!!

Our little guy finally decided to start walking on New Year's Eve! He was finally distracted enough by something to forget that he wasn't holding onto something :)

Excuse the poor video quality - this video is off my phone and we're having technical difficulties with our other video!