Friday, January 30, 2015

So I gave my blog a new look today, and a new title.  Partially as a way to get a fresh start and come back into writing.  Mostly because my original title really just doesn't apply in this phase of my life. "Being Still" - OR NOT!!  Homeschooling my oldest two, chasing my third, trying to keep the dog's dirty paws off the carpet, working...the list goes on.  But none of it really involves being still.  Ha!  

So why the new name?  Here's a little background for you (you know, the 2 people who read this).  Growing up, my absolute favorite thing was to play house.  Always the mommy, with lots of babies.  As I got a little older, this became my dream.  Some girls dream about their wedding and marrying Prince Charming; I dreamed about having Prince Charming's babies and taking care of them all. And yes, I married my Prince Charming.  My dream.  I'm living it. 
 
You know what though?  It's not exactly how I dreamed it.  In my head, I never imagined the parts where the kids are sick for what feels like months on end, or the pregnancies that ended in tears and a broken heart instead of a baby's cry.  I had no idea what it would feel like to not sleep through the night for over a year.  I never thought that a day would come when my desire for a neat porch would be greater than my desire to blow bubbles and color with chalk.  Or that I would be constantly distracted by the newest posts on Facebook and miss the dance my daughter is dancing for me.  (Ouch - it stings when I actually write it down!)  Now, don't hear what I'm not saying!  This.is.my.dream.  I wouldn't change a second of it. Okay fine, the part where the baby still only occasionally sleeps through the night - I'd change that part. But recently, there are days where I'm tempted to feel like what I'm doing doesn't matter.  Days that come to an end with a house that looks worse than when we started, children that have heard far more of their momma's harsh voice than loving words.  There is nothing more crushing to me than the look of defeat from my six year old as I reprimand him again.  I've felt defeated.  And desperate. Desperate to grasp these moments.  The sweet moments when Logan climbs into Hudson's crib in the morning to play with his sweet baby.  Hearing Taylor cheer as Hudson stands up without holding on.  I look back at pictures and tears spring to my eyes as I see just how big my babies already are.  I don't want to miss it.  

Sometimes I have felt like my days are mundane.  So I looked it up.  "Mundane - lacking interest or excitement; dull."  What?  Ouch.  Somehow it's true, I have felt this.  But this is so.not.true.  You know what's crazy?  Just over 10 years ago, I sat down on a rock with a pretty cute boy, and had no idea what God was going to do.  5 years ago, I played on the carpet with my 1 year old boy, and thought I knew exactly what I was doing.  Ha!  Who knew that by the time I became a mother of 3 I would be so much less sure of myself, and much more aware that every day, I screw it up!  Thank goodness that I'm also so much more aware of the grace the God gives me every day, and will continue to give.  So the Lord gave me these words the other day, and has constantly been bringing Galatians 6:9 to my mind. "And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."  I don't want to settle for being a weary momma, although I know there will be days where I am.  Thankfully, in my weariness, I can run to Him, and He will give me rest.  

So there it is.  My heart's desire is to grasp the moments that will all too quickly slip through my fingers.  My conviction and choice to see this life, and these days, for what they are.  Gifts from the Lord above, the dream that I've prayed for.  Anything but mundane.  

3 comments:

Sylvia said...

I'm one of "the two"! Kjirsten, thank you for sharing your precious heart. Through the years I've found journalling such a therapeutic practice.

Amy Lee said...

#2

TheJones said...

#3 :)