Thursday, July 1, 2010

Where I am

With my hands gripped in my hair and tears streaming down my face, I wonder..."does anyone else ever feel like this?"  Do other first time moms who thought they knew what they were doing feel these same things, wonder these same thoughts?  Does everyone feel like a total failure multiple times a week?

You see, by 10:30 in the morning, about 20 reprimands and subsequent temper tantrums under my belt, I have yet to change out of my pajamas or eat breakfast, let alone spend any time in the Word, and I can't wait until naptime.  Several questions run through my mind.  I wonder where I've gone wrong.  Do I discipline too little, too much?  Am I demanding too much of him, and that's why we butt heads so much?  Or am I not disciplining enough and he's learning that he doesn't have to respect or obey me?

True confessions: Some days, I feel like Logan and I are just passing the time until Danny gets home from work.  Sometimes, I get frustrated when he wakes up after only an hour or two long nap, instead of the usual 2.5 or 3.  On these days, I hate the way I feel.  I wonder what happened to the woman who couldn't wait to be a SAHM, couldn't wait to blow bubbles and draw with chalk all morning, and get to be outside instead of inside a hospital, or inside sleeping to go to work that night.  I never (and I mean NEVER!) thought I would have a single day where I felt like this.

Luckily, those aren't all my days.  In the past several months, unfortunately, it has felt like those occur more often than not, and I'm hoping that the balance swings back a little bit.  I'm hoping that now that we're slowly settling (not settled!) into a new routine, one that involves a lot more family time, a quieter life, and a fun backyard, that I'll see the smiling face of my boy more often than the scowling and squealing that have become so familiar these past few months.  I'd like my happy, easy baby boy back.

One thing I know is that his perception of my mood, of my stability, and my joy and grace for our day has a HUGE effect on it.  The days where I'm up before him, one cup of coffee and a quiet time deep before his eyes open for the day, these are the days we enjoy.  On those days, we wander around the backyard hand in hand, picking berries, hunting for cows (next-door neighbors), eat a picnic lunch on the porch and enjoy ourselves.  Yet somehow, it seems so much easier to close my eyes for just 10 more minutes, and 10 more, and 10 more...but truly, it is not easier at all.

Plus, whoever said that my life was about ease, or sleep, or my comfort anyways?  Maybe one of these days I'll figure that out.


Melissa said...

Oh, you are so not alone! I think ALL moms have these days where we feel like failures. I have texted Robert more than once, "Do you ever feel like you fail at EVERYTHING you do?" Many days are like that.

But keep it in perspective... you have packed one entire house, only to move and need to unpack it all again. Leave it in boxes and PLAY with that little man! Or let him play in the paper. Give him markers or chalk to draw on the boxes or have fun tearing up the paper while he helps you. The stuff will get done another day. Shaving cream on the highchair tray is really fun too! Let him find cookies in the boxes or hide his favorite toys.

You can do this! I won't say it will all get better, because parenting is hard work! But as much as we struggle to do the right things, our kids are just kids. Logan has 24 (or something) fewer years experience than you do. This transition has taken his routine, favorite window seat, noises, mommy and daddy for two months now.

And btw, save this comment so you can send it to me when I type a post like yours, because I need to hear it too!

And hey, it's not nice to call your neighbors cows.

I love you!

Libby said...

you are DEFINITELY not alone. We all have those days (or weeks, or months), but I think sometimes women are just too afraid to share those thoughts and feelings. And I think we've entered a new season-those easy babies are growing, maturing toddlers. I doubt we'll ever have that simple time back again, but we do get to enjoy the craziness of their new antics and personalities! Praying for you friend!!

clinton-family said...

Right there with you! I was just talking with Jon about this very thing last night before we went to bed. Feeling as though the disrespect, disobidience and down right strong will to do the opposite of what I say has increased now that we are in throws of 2. Feeling like a failure doesn't even begin to describe the emotions I have and a sense of fear that the hitting, kicking, and smacking me will continue as he grows and that I will be one of those moms that is scared of my 10 year old son b/c I am afraid that he is going to hurt me. It breaks my heart that there are days where he has to be disciplined before we even get down the steps to have his sippy of milk. I know that these times will pass and that trusting God and praying for Camden's heart and my heart as his Mommy is all I can do. I have a mantra that I say all the time and I know you have heard it......If He brought me to it, He will see me through it! Certainly HE brought our little boys into our lives to be a blessing and He can get us through these tough days :) Chin up Momma!

Danielle said...

Uh no! Totally been there. Actually this morning was little like that. Both boys woke up at 6 a.m. and proceeded to cry, whine, demand snacks, etc. Usually I'm up and doing my quiet time when they wake but not today. Or maybe just one gets up early, but when they both do, it's all over!

I think we all go through seasons with this kind of stuff, both ourselves and our kids. Kids go through hard seasons (i.e. temper tantrums) and subsequently we do too. I've realized all too often that my kids' attitude rubs off on me instead of the other way around all too often. When my stubborn boy goes into a tantrum too often instead of staying calm my blood starts to boil just like his! Doesn't help matters. Shows me how much I need the Lord, that is sure.

I always say I never knew I had an anger problem or was so impatient before I had kids. Well, I know it now! :) No doubt the transition of moving has been hard on you both. Having a routine shaken up and the mess of boxes, etc. can really make it harder on you (and him) than you might even have realized. I'll be praying for you and that God will give you wisdom in your parenting.

Melodye said...

Hi Honey, you don't know me. I clicked on your blog from Sacha Turek's blog. I am Amanda Olsavsky's mom (I think you know her). All of that to say this...

God's grace covers a multitude of parenting errors. While most of my kids' childhood is a fog, I do remember days of despair. We now can laugh about the times I screamed like a hyena, broke a tooth because I was swinging wildly (and I didn't hit my kids), the time I used fists on my 15-year-old boy (He needed an attitude adjustment). Add being diagnosed with MS in 1990 and all that entailed and there were some times of really feeling like I had failed as a parent. I sometimes was too strict, too lenient, too demanding, too lethargic. I used the TV as a babysitter sometimes. I made them walk to the bus stop in the dark (something I would never do now!).

Be encouraged! Both Amanda and Brent are well-functioning adults who love the Lord. That's grace!!

Be encouraged, my friend!
Melodye Olsavsky

Mandie said...

I'm not to this stage in motherhood yet, but I can relate to feeling like a failure. I had no idea that keeping house and caring for a baby could be more challenging than the job I left. So when it didn't just all come together right away I felt totally inept.
Your last paragraph pretty much sums it up for me. The biggest thing I am struggling with is not being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I know, selfish much? These days I feel much like the tantrum throwing toddler that The Father is having to deal with. And here I thought I was a grown up.

Anonymous said...

oh I hear you friend! Loud and clear :) Praying, too. How are you?