Friday, January 30, 2015

So I gave my blog a new look today, and a new title.  Partially as a way to get a fresh start and come back into writing.  Mostly because my original title really just doesn't apply in this phase of my life. "Being Still" - OR NOT!!  Homeschooling my oldest two, chasing my third, trying to keep the dog's dirty paws off the carpet, working...the list goes on.  But none of it really involves being still.  Ha!  

So why the new name?  Here's a little background for you (you know, the 2 people who read this).  Growing up, my absolute favorite thing was to play house.  Always the mommy, with lots of babies.  As I got a little older, this became my dream.  Some girls dream about their wedding and marrying Prince Charming; I dreamed about having Prince Charming's babies and taking care of them all. And yes, I married my Prince Charming.  My dream.  I'm living it. 
You know what though?  It's not exactly how I dreamed it.  In my head, I never imagined the parts where the kids are sick for what feels like months on end, or the pregnancies that ended in tears and a broken heart instead of a baby's cry.  I had no idea what it would feel like to not sleep through the night for over a year.  I never thought that a day would come when my desire for a neat porch would be greater than my desire to blow bubbles and color with chalk.  Or that I would be constantly distracted by the newest posts on Facebook and miss the dance my daughter is dancing for me.  (Ouch - it stings when I actually write it down!)  Now, don't hear what I'm not saying!  I wouldn't change a second of it. Okay fine, the part where the baby still only occasionally sleeps through the night - I'd change that part. But recently, there are days where I'm tempted to feel like what I'm doing doesn't matter.  Days that come to an end with a house that looks worse than when we started, children that have heard far more of their momma's harsh voice than loving words.  There is nothing more crushing to me than the look of defeat from my six year old as I reprimand him again.  I've felt defeated.  And desperate. Desperate to grasp these moments.  The sweet moments when Logan climbs into Hudson's crib in the morning to play with his sweet baby.  Hearing Taylor cheer as Hudson stands up without holding on.  I look back at pictures and tears spring to my eyes as I see just how big my babies already are.  I don't want to miss it.  

Sometimes I have felt like my days are mundane.  So I looked it up.  "Mundane - lacking interest or excitement; dull."  What?  Ouch.  Somehow it's true, I have felt this.  But this is so.not.true.  You know what's crazy?  Just over 10 years ago, I sat down on a rock with a pretty cute boy, and had no idea what God was going to do.  5 years ago, I played on the carpet with my 1 year old boy, and thought I knew exactly what I was doing.  Ha!  Who knew that by the time I became a mother of 3 I would be so much less sure of myself, and much more aware that every day, I screw it up!  Thank goodness that I'm also so much more aware of the grace the God gives me every day, and will continue to give.  So the Lord gave me these words the other day, and has constantly been bringing Galatians 6:9 to my mind. "And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."  I don't want to settle for being a weary momma, although I know there will be days where I am.  Thankfully, in my weariness, I can run to Him, and He will give me rest.  

So there it is.  My heart's desire is to grasp the moments that will all too quickly slip through my fingers.  My conviction and choice to see this life, and these days, for what they are.  Gifts from the Lord above, the dream that I've prayed for.  Anything but mundane.  

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Living in the Land of the Unfinished

So...I'm just going to re-enter the blog world and pretend that it hasn't been 8 months since I last posted.  I've been putting it off, feeling as though I "can't" post and not do an entire catch-up post.  But, since that may (ahem - will) likely never happen, and because I don't want to be done blogging entirely, I've decided to just write a new post. 

More and more these days (months and years even) I feel like I just live in a land of unfinished.  Unfinished conversations, unfinished laundry, unfinished meals (my own AND my children's!), unfinished sleep, unfinished decorations, unfinished goals, dates, letters, blog posts (cough cough - Taylor's birth story?  What was that?  Oops!), and the list goes on and on. 

Some days I find myself so easily discouraged about these unfinished items.  Scratch that, most days.  In that discouragement, I find myself easily frustrated at the two little bodies who are a prime reason that these items are all incomplete.  Then I fall into a pit of self-condemnation over the moments with my babies that I likely missed throughout my day under the intention of completing these oh-so unimportant tasks!  It's a vicious cycle, because I also struggle with feeling condemned over my unorganized home, my ever-growing pile of laundry, the lack of organization in my basement, and my seeming inability to ever have a clean bedroom! 

And then, one day several months ago, my sweet Jesus brought something to my mind as I struggled.  This verse, the verse that was my first to ever memorize "And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion in the day of Jesus Christ".  (Phil. 1:6)  How incredibly encouraging!  What relief I have felt!  Because you know what?  I AM unfinished.  He is doing work in me, and it's not finished yet!!  Then, the other day, just as I was pondering writing this post, I realized something else.  There is only ONE things that matters, and that thing?  "It IS finished!!" (John 19:30)  The thing that matters the most is already complete, and by His grace and incredible love, I get to be in on the greatest gift ever given. 

So as I walk through my days, I'm trying harder to do what I can in the time I have, to love my children more in the many sweet moments I have with them (and to see these sweet moments!), and to soak in the fact that He is working on me, and one day I will be finished. 

Friday, February 24, 2012

A year?!

Oh my sweet girl, how has it already been a year since you came into my arms?!  It is such a joy to be your momma.  You keep me on my toes for sure! 

I love seeing how your little personality is developing more and more these days.  We're all pretty sure you're going to be a spunky one!  Some days I wonder if I'm up to the challenge of raising you and being everything in a mommy that you need me to be, but then I'm reminded that I'm definitely not everything you need, but that I can point you to the One who is our everything.  Thank goodness for that, I'm not sure how I would bear the weight of being everything you need if that was my job! 

I pray for you little girl, that He will harness your spunk and point you in the right direction, and that you will allow Him to direct your path. 

I love the way you make us laugh with your silly little antics.  From your determined fast crawl to the stairs when you think I'm not looking to your clenched fists and growl at us when you don't agree with what we've done, you bring such joy to our days! 

I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for us.  Even though you make me crazy some days, keep being spunky and keep me on my knees!  We love you. 

Monday, January 30, 2012

My small identity crisis.

Wow.  It's been 7 months since I posted last.  How did that happen?  The same way my little girl is almost a year old I suppose!  Well, there will be a lot of catch up posts, but for now I'm just going to jump right into where we are now! 

This year I've spent a lot of time thinking about what's truly important to me.  I felt for a long time like I just wasn't doing anything well, and I wasn't really sure who I wanted to be or what I even wanted to be doing well!  I want to be the all organic momma that makes EVERYTHING from scratch.  I want to be the photographer/scrapbooking momma who has everything photographed, edited, printed and in albums 2 weeks after it happens.  I want to be the super playful momma, who still somehow has a clean house all the time, homemade dinners on the table at 5:00 when my wonderful hubby gets home.  I want to be super faithful in my quiet times.  I want to do it all, and do it all well.  But, I can't.  And I don't think that anyone would expect me to!  Then I realized that it doesn't really matter what I want to be, or what other people might expect or desire of me, but what God wants me to be! (I know, I know, really shouldn't have taken so long)! 

I'm still not entirely certain that God has a specific desire for me to be organic, or an avid scrapbooker, or anything else, but there are a few things that I do know.  My Jesus wants me to be faithful to love Him, to love my husband and children, to love His people, and to love the lost.  So that, that is my new goal.  I want to love hard, to love well, and to live in the day I'm in.  I'm really pretty sure that He doesn't want me to be living in anxiety over the things I didn't do yesterday, the house that wasn't clean then, or the pictures I haven't taken. 

So, as I try to determine who I want to be as I fulfill the roles I find myself in, I will do what I can in the hours I have been given, and I will strive to go to bed at peace with my days.  I will learn from my mistakes, have good days and bad days, and I will do it for my Jesus, not for anyone else.

~Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, and not for men."~

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Walking with you

A little over 5 years ago, I took one of the most important walks of my life.  On my Daddy's arm, in the dress my Momma made for me, I slowly walked down that beautiful church aisle to the love of my life.  I walked slowly, wanting to savor every second of that day; at the same time, it was everything I could do not to run into his arms!  Later, we walked around Baker park as our photographers did some shots of us. 

Since that day, we've walked a lot.  For 3 years in the city, we walked almost every evening, not always with a destination in mind (although we did frequent the local coffee and ice cream shops!).  We've walked through almost 30 homes for sale in the process of buying both of our homes.  We've paced the halls of the L&D unit in the hospital, eagerly awaiting the birth of our little ones.  We've paced the halls with those little ones at the wee hours of the night in those first early weeks. 

I can't wait to see what other walks we get to take, my dear.  Thank you for walking with me, leading me, yet always being right by my side.  I love you.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A big night for a big boy!

 Well, we did it.  This momma's heart was not anywhere near ready, and I thought my "baby" boy might be in a crib until he was three, but tonight we took the front off and put on his toddler rail.  He's been climbing EVERYTHING recently thanks to Fireman Sam introducing the concept of fire poles.  He climbs the banister, jumps off chairs and sofas, and even has recently been telling me he's going to climb the lamp.  Luckily he hasn't tried that one yet. 

This morning, I found him in his sister's crib after I finished blowdrying my hair, then he climbed out, and then back in.  So we decided, before he gets the idea to climb out of his own crib and breaks something in the process, we would just move him into the toddler bed!

Pretty excited about this change!!

Lookin' a little sleepy.

Hmm, maybe he will hurt himself on this one anyway!  It sure didn't take him long to decide he wants to "ride it like a horsey".  At least I'm pretty sure he won't break anything doing this. 
All tucked in and ready for some sleep! It's about an hour and a half later and we haven't heard a peep yet!  We did decide to move the monitor in there for tonight at least.         

Our boy is getting awfully big!  Next week = potty training.  This momma is far more intimidated by that idea!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Perhaps I just don't trust enough.

When it comes to my kiddos and their safety, I tend to fall into the slightly paranoid category of momma.  Okay, maybe more than just slightly.  My sister often teases me, saying it's really okay for them to have room to breathe while they are strapped into their carseats.  I was laughing earlier to myself as I thought about one of these conversations and I thought "It's because I know too much, I've seen too much".  Then I thought about it, and I am pretty sure it's just not true.  Because you see, my sister has seen plenty.  I know she could tell just as many stories of tragedies she's heard of or even in families she's known.

Maybe the issue lies in my own heart.  Perhaps I just don't trust enough.  Truly trust. If I did, I would be more at peace knowing that the lives of my family and my children in particular lie in the more than capable hands of my Jesus!  Worrying about what will happen if Taylor rolls on her side (instead of being on her back - gasp!) while she's sleeping, or what happens if my husband's plane crashes will not keep these events from happening if that is what is in His will.  I know that, I truly do.  But apparently I haven't set my heart enough on believing it, letting it sink into my heart and giving me peace.  Psalm 20:7 says "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God".  Jesus, help me to trust in You, not in the straps on my carseats and the fact that my baby girl sleeps on her back!

That being said, I will still sleep my babies on their backs, strap them tight in their carseats, and will probably keep them rear-facing longer than others might.  But, I hope to do so because I believe it's wise, not out of a fear of what will happen if I don't protect them enough.  Because I can't.  I can't protect them from what may hurt them.  Only Jesus can keep my babies breathing, and I believe that He will, until the day that it is time for them to go home with Him, and nothing I do or don't do will change that.