Thursday, July 1, 2010

Where I am

With my hands gripped in my hair and tears streaming down my face, I wonder..."does anyone else ever feel like this?"  Do other first time moms who thought they knew what they were doing feel these same things, wonder these same thoughts?  Does everyone feel like a total failure multiple times a week?

You see, by 10:30 in the morning, about 20 reprimands and subsequent temper tantrums under my belt, I have yet to change out of my pajamas or eat breakfast, let alone spend any time in the Word, and I can't wait until naptime.  Several questions run through my mind.  I wonder where I've gone wrong.  Do I discipline too little, too much?  Am I demanding too much of him, and that's why we butt heads so much?  Or am I not disciplining enough and he's learning that he doesn't have to respect or obey me?

True confessions: Some days, I feel like Logan and I are just passing the time until Danny gets home from work.  Sometimes, I get frustrated when he wakes up after only an hour or two long nap, instead of the usual 2.5 or 3.  On these days, I hate the way I feel.  I wonder what happened to the woman who couldn't wait to be a SAHM, couldn't wait to blow bubbles and draw with chalk all morning, and get to be outside instead of inside a hospital, or inside sleeping to go to work that night.  I never (and I mean NEVER!) thought I would have a single day where I felt like this.

Luckily, those aren't all my days.  In the past several months, unfortunately, it has felt like those occur more often than not, and I'm hoping that the balance swings back a little bit.  I'm hoping that now that we're slowly settling (not settled!) into a new routine, one that involves a lot more family time, a quieter life, and a fun backyard, that I'll see the smiling face of my boy more often than the scowling and squealing that have become so familiar these past few months.  I'd like my happy, easy baby boy back.

One thing I know is that his perception of my mood, of my stability, and my joy and grace for our day has a HUGE effect on it.  The days where I'm up before him, one cup of coffee and a quiet time deep before his eyes open for the day, these are the days we enjoy.  On those days, we wander around the backyard hand in hand, picking berries, hunting for cows (next-door neighbors), eat a picnic lunch on the porch and enjoy ourselves.  Yet somehow, it seems so much easier to close my eyes for just 10 more minutes, and 10 more, and 10 more...but truly, it is not easier at all.

Plus, whoever said that my life was about ease, or sleep, or my comfort anyways?  Maybe one of these days I'll figure that out.