I've always told myself I'd never become one of "those" women. You know, the ones that turn crazy when they're pregnant, and the rest of the world can't wait until the baby's born just so that the hormones will return to normal levels, and so will she. I never understood how someone who has been given the amazing gift of a child about to be born could be so focused on something like their swollen feet, or how much their back hurts, and do nothing but exclaim just how much they
want it out!!I've seen the effect that this attitude can have on other women. The discouragement, heartbreak, and even bitterness that can arise in a woman who would give anything to be pregnant, but can't for multiple reasons, whether that be infertility, lack of a husband or just a phase of life that doesn't allow it. I've seen the woman who smiles sweetly, congratulates a couple that has just made "the announcement" and promptly finds herself a corner or bathroom to be alone where she can shed her tears; and the woman who just can't attend one more baby shower or dedication because of the heartbreak she herself is experiencing. The thought that my behavior could cause these kinds of feelings in someone else breaks my heart.
Yesterday morning I woke up again having contractions, and thought to myself "Maybe this is the day!" Mind you, this is the same thought I've had almost every day since my doctor started checking me almost 2 weeks ago and said she didn't think I had much longer to go. Needless to say, an hour and a half later, I had only had one other contraction. I pitched quite the temper tantrum at God in the shower, and another at my poor husband a few minutes later.
About 30 minutes later, in the middle of my quiet time, I had a complete emotional breakdown when I realized that I have become "that woman", and for a while, I felt like I have somehow failed. I have become what I always said I wouldn't. I still regret much of the attitude that I have had for these last months, but I am also reminded that God's mercies are new every morning - thank goodness for that!
I can't wait for this baby to be born. Mostly, I am just really excited to meet him or her, find out if it is a boy or a girl, see what the baby looks like! But I have also found myself complaining about the other negative parts of these last weeks of pregnancy far too often. I sobbed as I prayed and asked for God's forgiveness, and His help in being patient and trusting in His timing for this little one to arrive. I was encouraged by James 1:2-4 ~ "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith provides endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing". When I get to the end of this, it will be in God's timing, and His timing is perfect! Though I feel like it has been long enough, apparently it has not.
So, for those of you who have been offended, hurt, or even just annoyed by my complaints or comments, I want to apologize. I am sorry for my negative attitude, and for any temper tantrums of mine that you have had to witness. Especially for those women that struggle with this area in particular, for any of the reasons above, or for others I didn't think of - I am
so sorry. I cannot imagine this pain, and would never want to assume that I can. My heart breaks for you, and you are in my prayers. Please forgive me for any offensive or thoughtless comments I have made.
This is, and has been, a hard season, but that does not change things. Every moment of every day I am witnessing, and carrying, a miracle. I am about to enter the season of life that I have waited for for a long time. I am SO grateful. Every day I work with families who don't make it this far with a healthy baby. We are so blessed in so many ways, and I do not want to lose sight of that for one minute! This baby is a gift of God, and we cannot wait to meet him or her, but we will do so in His timing, not ours. Hopefully that will be soon, and we will be home long before Christmas with this little one. But if not, I am trusting (or trying really hard to!) that it is for good reason, and we will love this baby even more by the time he or she gets here, whenever that may be.
Our tree! We always do a real tree - I love the smell and the fun of going out to get it. Living in the city does provide a little bit of an interesting scenario, since the only cute little place to get trees only had $60 trees! So...we drove to Home Depot, not quite as quaint as a little church setup, or a tree farm - but still fun!
My favorite flowers
We did do one last fun thing though!! This is currently hanging on the baby's crib - just waiting for him or her to arrive! I can't believe that we're going to have a baby in this house for Christmas! The stocking holder is mine from growing up - I believe that Mom painted them for us?
