I didn't know everything I know.
Sometimes I wish I could turn off a "medical knowledge switch" and play the idiot when it comes to people I know and love.
For example, when my mom fell down my stairs and for weeks afterwards I had nightmares of what could've happened, and how much worse it could've, and probably even should've been. Or a few weeks ago, when my husband had an eye infection, and before the doctor even said anything, I knew that the risk for meningitis was high.
This week at work, I added another "wish I never knew" to my list. I'll spare the details for the rest of you, but I had a beautiful full term baby pass away Friday night on my shift. I spent the day helping the family come to terms with their decision to withdraw support, and spent their final hours with their little boy that they tried so hard to have. It was an emotionally and physically exhausting time.
Working in the unit that I do has been a great experience, but I can only imagine all these experiences and situations that will pop in my head when it is our time to have children, and I will wish I didn't know.
If only I could turn it off. I love what I do - but don't always love having this knowledge when it comes to my own life.
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6 comments:
I'm sorry to hear about the baby's death. It is wonderful, though, someone like you was the nurse they had on staff that day. As hard as it is for you, I'm sure you can add some comfort to the family by your tender care of the babies that are on your floor.
I'll pray that the "trusting God" part of you will overcome the "medical knowledge" part, to bring you to a settled peace in Him. He doesn't promise that our lives will be perfect and safe, but that He will be there, in the good times as well as in the oh, so hard times!
I know Rusty used to always say that too. He said he didn't trust anyone in the medical profession because he knew too much and had seen too many things!
God's still in control...I know you know that. Your knowledge of the risks doesn't make them any more likely them the next guy.
I know exactly how you feel. I deal with the same thing frequently myself, including right now. Are you close to any other Christian medical professionals? (at work or otherwise) I've found it to be really helpful to have a couple of people that I can turn to when situations come up (like your work situation, or the situation with your mom, or your anxiety about this stuff coming up when you have kids) that remind me of the sovereignty of God in the "heat of the moment".
As I said to a coworker yesterday, it's comforting to know that if God ordained that you be in this situation at this time, that also means He has provided the grace for you to glorify Him in it.
I don't know you and I just found your blog thru Bev Tritt's site. But I felt the need to respond to your post. I have been one of those parents in the NICU with wonderful nurses like yourself. I gave birth to twin boys at 28 weeks at GBMC. Abraham spent 51 days there before coming home. Moses was transferred to Hopkins because he needed heart surgery at 1 mo old. He is running with the angels now.
Were it not for the nurses (and of course the Father) in that NICU I truly do not think that I could have made it thru what I had to endure. They were some of the most compassionate nurses I have ever met. Abraham and I go back once a year, around the time Moses went home to thank them for their care of us.
Know that you have been placed in your own "mission field" at that hospital - placed there for a reason by the Father. He will use you in ways you don't even see coming.
Grace and Peace to you!
Erinn Ragan
www.raganramblings.blogspot.com
www.moses-mackay-ragan.memory-of.com
hi there. I found your blog through Laurie Reyes.. hiya!
I am also a RN. I work at GBMC working L&d, High risk OB, and newborn nursery depending on which unit needs me that day. I have similar experiences to you, obviously. I know that they are hard times to witness. Know this, the patients do know and appreciate compassionate nurses such as yourselves. They appreciate the prayers and presence of their nurses. keep up the faith!!
I know what you mean regarding wanting to turn off that switch. Hard switch to have sometimes, isn't it? When your time comes for motherhood, remember that we see everything as a nurse. This doesn't mean that all the bad things we see will happen. Statistically, they probably will not.
:) Karen
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