With my hands gripped in my hair and tears streaming down my face, I wonder..."does anyone else ever feel like this?" Do other first time moms who thought they knew what they were doing feel these same things, wonder these same thoughts? Does everyone feel like a total failure multiple times a week?
You see, by 10:30 in the morning, about 20 reprimands and subsequent temper tantrums under my belt, I have yet to change out of my pajamas or eat breakfast, let alone spend any time in the Word, and I can't wait until naptime. Several questions run through my mind. I wonder where I've gone wrong. Do I discipline too little, too much? Am I demanding too much of him, and that's why we butt heads so much? Or am I not disciplining enough and he's learning that he doesn't have to respect or obey me?
True confessions: Some days, I feel like Logan and I are just passing the time until Danny gets home from work. Sometimes, I get frustrated when he wakes up after only an hour or two long nap, instead of the usual 2.5 or 3. On these days, I hate the way I feel. I wonder what happened to the woman who couldn't wait to be a SAHM, couldn't wait to blow bubbles and draw with chalk all morning, and get to be outside instead of inside a hospital, or inside sleeping to go to work that night. I never (and I mean NEVER!) thought I would have a single day where I felt like this.
Luckily, those aren't all my days. In the past several months, unfortunately, it has felt like those occur more often than not, and I'm hoping that the balance swings back a little bit. I'm hoping that now that we're slowly settling (not settled!) into a new routine, one that involves a lot more family time, a quieter life, and a fun backyard, that I'll see the smiling face of my boy more often than the scowling and squealing that have become so familiar these past few months. I'd like my happy, easy baby boy back.
One thing I know is that his perception of my mood, of my stability, and my joy and grace for our day has a HUGE effect on it. The days where I'm up before him, one cup of coffee and a quiet time deep before his eyes open for the day, these are the days we enjoy. On those days, we wander around the backyard hand in hand, picking berries, hunting for cows (next-door neighbors), eat a picnic lunch on the porch and enjoy ourselves. Yet somehow, it seems so much easier to close my eyes for just 10 more minutes, and 10 more, and 10 more...but truly, it is not easier at all.
Plus, whoever said that my life was about ease, or sleep, or my comfort anyways? Maybe one of these days I'll figure that out.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Some big changes around here!
WHEW!! It has been a whirlwind of a month in this Cole house.
6 weeks ago, after a very quick application and interview process, Danny was offered a job in Frederick, which he quickly took and started 2 weeks later! He just finished his 4th week of an hour plus commute each way every day, which has definitely not been an easy transition, for any of the 3 of us. Logan has probably had the hardest time with it, as our dinner time and overall time with Danny has drastically reduced. But...not for long! Once we are relocated and settled out in Frederick, Danny will be about 15 minutes from work, and will probably leave around 7:15 in the morning, to return to us by about 4:15! We are VERY excited about that idea, to say the least. :)
We put an offer on a house yesterday, and we're hoping to hear back sometime tomorrow about it. I'm praying for peace about the whole thing, and still feeling some nervousness about it! To say that I absolutely LOVE this house is not quite strong enough terminology. It's a very cute farmhouse on a 1.2 acre lot, with a huge flat green backyard, cows next door, nobody across the street, with lots of pretty flowers and tons of room for my little man to run!! Oh, and did I mention that it has a driveway? I know, I know, most single family homes do. It's just one of the things that I don't think we'll ever take for granted again. It would definitely be quite the change from our city rowhome, but it's one we are very ready to make!
This weekend we have 8 showings lined up for rentals for our current home, after a little over 24 hours on craigslist. Would you pray with me that we find a renter quickly and don't have weeks on end of showings? And would you pray that if this house is meant to be, it would go through quickly and painlessly, and that if it doesn't work out that I would be able to trust in God's plan, not be frustrated or too heartbroken?
So, around here, we'll keep cleaning, packing, repacking what Logan unpacks, and re-cleaning what Logan messes up :) That is pretty much what my days look like right about now. This transition is tiring, for sure, but it's good. It has so clearly been from the hand of God, and has so many of the things we've longed for, we can almost taste it! Now we just have to get there :) Any tips for assisting toddlers with transitions, new seasons, not seeing their daddy's as much as they are used to?
It's a wild ride, but oh so fun!
6 weeks ago, after a very quick application and interview process, Danny was offered a job in Frederick, which he quickly took and started 2 weeks later! He just finished his 4th week of an hour plus commute each way every day, which has definitely not been an easy transition, for any of the 3 of us. Logan has probably had the hardest time with it, as our dinner time and overall time with Danny has drastically reduced. But...not for long! Once we are relocated and settled out in Frederick, Danny will be about 15 minutes from work, and will probably leave around 7:15 in the morning, to return to us by about 4:15! We are VERY excited about that idea, to say the least. :)
We put an offer on a house yesterday, and we're hoping to hear back sometime tomorrow about it. I'm praying for peace about the whole thing, and still feeling some nervousness about it! To say that I absolutely LOVE this house is not quite strong enough terminology. It's a very cute farmhouse on a 1.2 acre lot, with a huge flat green backyard, cows next door, nobody across the street, with lots of pretty flowers and tons of room for my little man to run!! Oh, and did I mention that it has a driveway? I know, I know, most single family homes do. It's just one of the things that I don't think we'll ever take for granted again. It would definitely be quite the change from our city rowhome, but it's one we are very ready to make!
This weekend we have 8 showings lined up for rentals for our current home, after a little over 24 hours on craigslist. Would you pray with me that we find a renter quickly and don't have weeks on end of showings? And would you pray that if this house is meant to be, it would go through quickly and painlessly, and that if it doesn't work out that I would be able to trust in God's plan, not be frustrated or too heartbroken?
So, around here, we'll keep cleaning, packing, repacking what Logan unpacks, and re-cleaning what Logan messes up :) That is pretty much what my days look like right about now. This transition is tiring, for sure, but it's good. It has so clearly been from the hand of God, and has so many of the things we've longed for, we can almost taste it! Now we just have to get there :) Any tips for assisting toddlers with transitions, new seasons, not seeing their daddy's as much as they are used to?
It's a wild ride, but oh so fun!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Cousin week!
Last week I got the joy of spending a week with my mom, sister, sister-in-law, and the 4 kiddos that come along with all of us. It was a blast!! Warning ~ There are lots of pictures ahead, and I'm sure a whole lot of sentence fragments.
The wonderful joys that I experienced this week:
As I mentioned earlier, Logan was not on his best behavior this week, and this picture was taken during his lowest moment I think! He was insisting on being on my lap, regardless of the fact that I was getting my hair cut. You can tell from the fairly crabby look on his face just how happy he was about life right then. This was soon followed by a forced exit from my lap so Lissa could cut my bangs, which kicked off a solid five minutes of screaming bloody murder while both my Mom and Cherilyn (my SIL) tried to do everything they could think of to entertain him!
The wonderful joys that I experienced this week:
The sweet smiles of my little boy, although they were few and far between! Between 2 days of childcare with strangers, 7 days away from Daddy, lots of car time, and teeth coming through, Logan was not our usual always happy boy! But these smiles always bring joy to my heart :)
Getting to be there for my nephew's 8th birthday!!
Getting to spend lots of time with this happy baby boy :) This was the most time I've gotten to spend with my sister-in-law and my nephew Braden, and it was fabulous! It was fun to hear his squeals and coos, a phase I definitely miss!
Playing "HORSE" with Jacob, and losing, pitifully. :)
Watching my little man prove that he IS strong enough to climb up the slide, much to his Mommy's dismay!
This little boy sure does love to be outside.
Watching Mattie read to Logan, and remembering when she was his size. Which means in no time at all he'll be as big as she is now! Crazy.
3 cousins out for a walk :) These pictures and walks don't happen nearly often enough, and I treasure them when we get them!
Watching the frog on this little hiney wiggle back and forth as Logan tried to run to catch up to the bigger cousins. So stinkin' cute.
Sitting by the lake, laughing as we watched Mattie get nice and wet, then lay in the dirt and do "sand angels" on her belly. Her mommy so accurately describes her as a little girl who wants to wear princess dresses and dig for worms!
Getting to be a part of Braden's first outside water experience.
Finding out that even after a few months of no water, my boy is still a little fish, and loves being in the water. Doesn't love landing face first in it quite so much, but as long as he's rescued he doesn't care too much!
This last picture was definitely an entertaining moment, although not one of the most joyful at the time!
As I mentioned earlier, Logan was not on his best behavior this week, and this picture was taken during his lowest moment I think! He was insisting on being on my lap, regardless of the fact that I was getting my hair cut. You can tell from the fairly crabby look on his face just how happy he was about life right then. This was soon followed by a forced exit from my lap so Lissa could cut my bangs, which kicked off a solid five minutes of screaming bloody murder while both my Mom and Cherilyn (my SIL) tried to do everything they could think of to entertain him!
Another side note from this picture...so that wonderful lady behind me cutting my hair is my sister Melissa. In my entire life, I've had my hair cut in a salon 6 whole times. 6! That's because my sister is absolutely wonderful and cuts my hair every time I see her. Sometimes it's just a quick trim, other times it's more involved because it's been months since I've seen her, and sometimes it's three days in a row of changing this or that to make it just right. She's awesome. I don't trust anyone else with my head!! She does such a great job, and is always so willing to take time out of her vacation days to serve me like this!
It was a great week :) I loved watching Logan play with Braden, trying so hard to share, even to the point of giving him a toy, just for it to be too much, and to take it back. I loved watching Mattie read to him, and Jacob play with him on the swings. I loved watching him run after them and do things just like Jacob, because you know, the bigger boy always does things cooler.
I loved having hours to sit and chat with my mom, my sister and my sister in law. I loved getting to be a part of my sister's special needs festival at her church, and chatting about different phases of parenting and life. I just loved it, every moment of it. Well, actually, not quite. I didn't love the multiple nights of little sleep thanks to a little toddler in bed with me, although it was more snuggles than I'd normally get! But I didn't always love those moments. But it was a fabulous week. Fabulous, I say. 
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Feeding the baby
Haha...here's a funny email I got this morning, and thought you all might enjoy! It made me laugh...a lot.
My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he
turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when
he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for
lunch?"
"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food.
Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?"
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to
hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I
feed Lily for lunch?"
turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when
he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for
lunch?"
"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food.
Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?"
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to
hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I
feed Lily for lunch?"
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Peanut butter ice cream and a novel...that's all I want!
All I wanted was to close the curtains, turn off the music and phone, curl up on the couch with a container of Peanut Butter cup ice cream, and a sappy novel. I wanted to immerse myself in a story other than my own. I wanted out of my world, because I just didn't like it! I didn't much care that there were dishes spreading at least half the length of my countertop, or laundry covering most of my bedroom floor.
Wow. Typed out, that looks even uglier than it sounded in my head.
So, that's what I wanted. But, because I've given up sweets and fiction reading for Lent, this particular escape route wasn't an option, although it was certainly tempting! For a little while, I just sat on the couch and cried, staring at my four walls and wanting to be out while at the same time, knowing I couldn't muster up the energy it would take to actually leave the house and go do something.
Why the sadness and tears? Because two weeks ago, we found out that it was very likely that I was having a miscarriage. Why only very likely instead of certain, you ask? Because we didn't know I was pregnant. For a little bit of privacy and for the sake of any male readers, I'll spare you all the specific details that led us to this conclusion!!
The first day was after a night shift, so I wandered around in my typical tired fog, plus a little more than normal as I wondered what was happening. The second day I just kept feeling like the hardest thing was that I just don't know what happened. I felt stupid and silly grieving over something that could have simply been an irregular cycle! At the wisdom of my lovely sister, I prayed that the Lord would just make it clear to me whether or not it was anything, hoping that, as she suggested, perhaps I would just remember that we were apart or sleeping in somebody else's house or something when anything could have happened! Well, I feel, without a doubt, that our kind Lord made it clear to me. Not in the way I would have wished, but clear nonetheless, which is what I asked for. That afternoon, the Lord brought to mind several things from the last two weeks that made it entirely possible. Symptoms that I had when I was pregnant with Logan and at no other time in my life, but tiny things that I might not otherwise notice. Like my husband mentioning as we lied down one night that I was just almost hot to the touch, and did I feel sick? (Exactly what happened with Logan) I didn't really think anything of it then, and didn't even remember it until that day.
By that evening, I felt a whole lot of different things! A large part of me felt increasingly sad and feeling like we missed out. Sad for the little life that was already gone, before we knew it was even there. Sad to not have the opportunity to tell Danny about a baby on the way, or tell family, or see a sonogram and hear a heartbeat. But while that feeling was there and very strong for several days, I felt something else growing increasingly strong. I felt peace.
Now you may think I'm crazy. That's okay with me. Maybe I am. Maybe I made up all of these things in my head. But I'm choosing to believe that my Jesus was kind enough to answer me, to bring clarity to my thoughts and memories so that I could feel certainty about what was going on in my body. I felt like I should feel angry, or bitter, or discontent. But peace, really?! You see, in my dark days, my Lord and Savior was kind enough to meet me there, and that gives me peace! Psalm 34:18 says that "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." I feel peace that this little one will never take a breath, that we'll never know if it was a boy or a girl. Because I feel strongly settled that this was our Lord's will. Because we were not trying to get pregnant, and not in the "we're not trying, but not preventing" way either. It doesn't make sense that I got pregnant. But I did. It doesn't make sense that I was so aware of everything going on in my body, but I was. It doesn't make sense to feel peace, but I do! Psalm 139:13-16 was also comforting to me as I considered this whole process, and thought about verse 15 in particular. "My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth." I know this baby was known by our God, even if he or she was never known by us.
Now don't get me wrong. This doesn't mean that I'm not confused. This doesn't mean that I'm not sad and grieving! I've cried more tears in the last 2 weeks than I have in a very long time!! I wonder why, if our Lord was going to let me lose this baby, why He chose to let it happen in the first place? But I'm glad to know that if this was going to happen, it was at the hand of our all-knowing, ever-loving Father, and not just a random event. I also don't think that it is a coincidence that this happened at a time when my two most comforting "escapes" were gone (the ice cream and novels!), my husband and I barely got to see each other, and I just felt kind of alone! (Not that I even was! I had many friends and family members around me throughout all of this - and I'm so grateful for all of them, every kind word!) But this meant that instead of just running away, I ran to Him. I ran to the only one who can truly provide any kind of comfort and peace, and He did.
And I'm so glad He did.
Wow. Typed out, that looks even uglier than it sounded in my head.
So, that's what I wanted. But, because I've given up sweets and fiction reading for Lent, this particular escape route wasn't an option, although it was certainly tempting! For a little while, I just sat on the couch and cried, staring at my four walls and wanting to be out while at the same time, knowing I couldn't muster up the energy it would take to actually leave the house and go do something.
Why the sadness and tears? Because two weeks ago, we found out that it was very likely that I was having a miscarriage. Why only very likely instead of certain, you ask? Because we didn't know I was pregnant. For a little bit of privacy and for the sake of any male readers, I'll spare you all the specific details that led us to this conclusion!!
The first day was after a night shift, so I wandered around in my typical tired fog, plus a little more than normal as I wondered what was happening. The second day I just kept feeling like the hardest thing was that I just don't know what happened. I felt stupid and silly grieving over something that could have simply been an irregular cycle! At the wisdom of my lovely sister, I prayed that the Lord would just make it clear to me whether or not it was anything, hoping that, as she suggested, perhaps I would just remember that we were apart or sleeping in somebody else's house or something when anything could have happened! Well, I feel, without a doubt, that our kind Lord made it clear to me. Not in the way I would have wished, but clear nonetheless, which is what I asked for. That afternoon, the Lord brought to mind several things from the last two weeks that made it entirely possible. Symptoms that I had when I was pregnant with Logan and at no other time in my life, but tiny things that I might not otherwise notice. Like my husband mentioning as we lied down one night that I was just almost hot to the touch, and did I feel sick? (Exactly what happened with Logan) I didn't really think anything of it then, and didn't even remember it until that day.
By that evening, I felt a whole lot of different things! A large part of me felt increasingly sad and feeling like we missed out. Sad for the little life that was already gone, before we knew it was even there. Sad to not have the opportunity to tell Danny about a baby on the way, or tell family, or see a sonogram and hear a heartbeat. But while that feeling was there and very strong for several days, I felt something else growing increasingly strong. I felt peace.
Now you may think I'm crazy. That's okay with me. Maybe I am. Maybe I made up all of these things in my head. But I'm choosing to believe that my Jesus was kind enough to answer me, to bring clarity to my thoughts and memories so that I could feel certainty about what was going on in my body. I felt like I should feel angry, or bitter, or discontent. But peace, really?! You see, in my dark days, my Lord and Savior was kind enough to meet me there, and that gives me peace! Psalm 34:18 says that "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." I feel peace that this little one will never take a breath, that we'll never know if it was a boy or a girl. Because I feel strongly settled that this was our Lord's will. Because we were not trying to get pregnant, and not in the "we're not trying, but not preventing" way either. It doesn't make sense that I got pregnant. But I did. It doesn't make sense that I was so aware of everything going on in my body, but I was. It doesn't make sense to feel peace, but I do! Psalm 139:13-16 was also comforting to me as I considered this whole process, and thought about verse 15 in particular. "My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth." I know this baby was known by our God, even if he or she was never known by us.
Now don't get me wrong. This doesn't mean that I'm not confused. This doesn't mean that I'm not sad and grieving! I've cried more tears in the last 2 weeks than I have in a very long time!! I wonder why, if our Lord was going to let me lose this baby, why He chose to let it happen in the first place? But I'm glad to know that if this was going to happen, it was at the hand of our all-knowing, ever-loving Father, and not just a random event. I also don't think that it is a coincidence that this happened at a time when my two most comforting "escapes" were gone (the ice cream and novels!), my husband and I barely got to see each other, and I just felt kind of alone! (Not that I even was! I had many friends and family members around me throughout all of this - and I'm so grateful for all of them, every kind word!) But this meant that instead of just running away, I ran to Him. I ran to the only one who can truly provide any kind of comfort and peace, and He did.
And I'm so glad He did.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Why I do what I do, and I love it.
It's so hard to describe my job to someone who has never experienced a NICU before. The concept of a 1 pound baby just doesn't come out right in words. I saw this video earlier this week, and it made me fall in love with my job, all over again.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Did we move to Michigan or something?!
I've wondered a few times over the past few days if somehow we were transported to somewhere like Michigan without our knowing it?!
From Friday afternoon until Saturday night, Baltimore city got dumped on with 26'' of snow complete with blizzard like winds, drifting and some nice sleet in the beginning to create a beautifully iced base for the snow to stick to. As you can see from our patio, there was just a little bit of snow, and this was Saturday morning before another 6 hours of snow!
From Friday afternoon until Saturday night, Baltimore city got dumped on with 26'' of snow complete with blizzard like winds, drifting and some nice sleet in the beginning to create a beautifully iced base for the snow to stick to. As you can see from our patio, there was just a little bit of snow, and this was Saturday morning before another 6 hours of snow!
Saturday morning we woke to a beautiful snowfall and just had to go out for a walk!! Having grown up for 4 years in Alaska, the 2-4 inches we see on average per year just isn't quite enough for me. I felt like a kid again as excited as I was to go out in it. Come to find out, playing in the snow as the mommy of a one year old isn't quite the same as when I was little and out all day sledding and building snowmen! But still, we had a blast.
We went for a walk in the morning and it honestly felt like we were in some kind of ghost town winter wonderland of sorts!! I love the way that snow transforms the city. There were only a few cars out and all the normal city noises had disappeared. All the sound was muffled, and it was just beautiful! Logan thought he owned the street, as you can see here :)
Some spots were just a little too deep for little man to walk through, he wasn't quite sure what to do with that.
After some good outside time, we came inside while Danny spent a few hours shoveling our street so we could walk more easily, and Logan found a nice cozy spot in our front window to watch the comings and goings in the neighborhood. He spent almost an hour sitting here, and every time I asked him if he wanted down I got a very adamant headshaking No!!
After a nap and some lunch we were back out for round two!! By then, the city had livened up again, but it was a city full of mostly friendly people, which was kind of nice for a change ;) We took Logan up to the pagoda in the park to do some sledding, which he absolutely LOVED!!
After a nap and some lunch we were back out for round two!! By then, the city had livened up again, but it was a city full of mostly friendly people, which was kind of nice for a change ;) We took Logan up to the pagoda in the park to do some sledding, which he absolutely LOVED!!
Here's a video of his first sledding experience.
And one last video of his first snowball fight, which he thought was pretty funny.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
