Maybe it started with the baby that woke up screaming at 7:30 instead of talking and playing, like normal. Maybe it started with the 2 night shifts over the weekend, and then not really sleeping well yesterday or last night. Maybe it started a month ago, when my baby boy got sick and hasn't quite been right for a long time now. Maybe, just maybe, it started with my own selfishness and agenda of what I thought my day should/would look like.
As I just mentioned, Logan has been sick, teething, or both for a solid month now. We have not had more than 2 days without a fever, and just when I think he's getting better, he gets worse again. I've wrestled with how much to do, what to take him to, what to stay away from, etc. We can't stay locked up in this house until he has all his teeth, we'll both go crazy. He's happier when we're out at least a little bit, as am I! However, when we're home, he's been very fragile, temperamental, almost just downright moody. And I don't blame him! He feels rotten. He's got a snotty nose, teeth coming through, a fever, no balance (because of all the fluid in his head) and as of Sunday, a busted fat lip (due to the no balance!).
Needless to say, I am tired. I'm tired from working and not sleeping well. Tired from getting up with him in the middle of the night again, and to be honest, I'm tired of the whining and meltdowns! Mostly, I'm tired of him not feeling well and not being able to fix it.
So, today...today's plans were supposed to look like this: Bible study this morning, followed by a trip to the grocery store on the way home, a nice afternoon nap for Logan, and maybe even for me, then dinner and finishing off the day with caregroup.
However, today looked like this: Logan started running a fever again last night and woke up screaming twice last night and then again this morning. None of us slept well last night, and with him still being really fussy, Bible study got taken off the schedule for the day. I put him down for his morning nap and he proceeded to talk/whine/play/cry in his crib for an hour and a half. I finally gave in and decided he'd get up, we'd go to the store, and then just take one long nap today instead. The store was wonderful...crazy, I know. He was in a fantastic mood - singing and doing his cute little lip trills the whole stinkin' time. Adorable. We came home, got groceries inside, I gave Logan a bottle and he went to sleep. Perfect! I made snack for caregroup, ate lunch, and cleaned up a little bit, went upstairs with what should have been 2 hours left in his nap, so I was going to get to nap too! Do you think it happened? My little man woke up exactly 4 minutes after I laid down, and wanted nothing to do with going back to sleep. So...I gave up on that. After an okay afternoon, I tried again for another nap around 3:45. Dinner was ready to go in the oven, so I was going to lay down for an hour or so too! NOT! He wouldn't sleep. Scratch that off the list. We decided that Logan and I would stay home tonight from caregroup so he could go to bed on time, and I could chill out a little bit as well. He did, and I cleaned the kitchen and a little bit of pickup upstairs just in time to watch NCIS at 8. Then, it was the last straw for me. Taking my brand new fall decoration off the table to wipe it down, one of the hurricanes hit the chair and fell to the floor, shattering into...literally...thousands of pieces.
My pretty decoration minus one hurricane :(
I sat down in my kitchen and cried!! I thought..."I just can't do any more!! Now I have to vaccuum and mop the whole downstairs so Logan doesn't find any glass in his little hands when he's crawling around." I found glass from my front door all the way to my kitchen sink.Somewhere in the middle of my own internal meltdown and temper tantrum, the Lord brought this verse to mind. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" ~ Philippians 4:13. All day I've been thinking...I can't do it, I can't stay awake, I can't discipline him one more time, I can't fight him through one more diaper change, I can't do one more load of dishes, etc. WHAT?! I CAN!! There is no reason whatsoever that I can't do these things. I have a Jesus that gives me the strength and grace to do one more thing, one more time, with one more attitude check.
So...I'm feeling a little defeated since it took me until 9 o'clock tonight to recognize this horrendous attitude I've had all day. I'm feeling like a bad momma who had a rotten attitude with my sick little boy all day. I'm feeling like a wife who should have been far more cheerful this evening than I was. And...I'm feeling convicted that my attitude was as awful as it was, and all for really minor circumstances. There are people, lots of them, out there today in far worse places, dealing with far harder things, and I have been so nasty all day! But, I'm trying to remind myself of Christ's forgiveness and grace, both of which I do not deserve. I'm thanking God for reminding me of His strength, and giving me the strength to mop the house and get through the rest of my evening. And I'm praying for a better tomorrow.
Sorry for the long rambling post, my brain is not functional enough to get more concise!! And sorry for the bad pictures, they're from my cell phone
